Codependency No More Book Extract

Dependency issues: Many codependents don’t feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves. They look for happiness outside themselves. The latch on to whoever or whatever they think will provide happiness for them. They feel terribly threatened by the loss of anything or person they think provides their happiness. They didn’t feel love or approval from their parents. And they don’t love themselves. They believe other people can’t or don’t love them. Desperately they seek love and approval. They often seek love from people incapable of loving. They believe other people are never there for them. They equate love with pain.

They need people more than they want them. They try to prove they are good enough to be loved. They don’t take time to see if other people are good for them. They worry whether other people love or like them. They build their lives around other people. They look to relationships to provide all their good feelings. They lose interest in their own lives when they love. They worry other people will leave them. They don’t believe they can take care of themselves so stay relationships that don’t work. They tolerate abuse to keep people loving them. They feel trapped in relationships. If they leave bad relationships, they form new ones that don’t work either. They wonder if they will ever find love. 

Codependents frequently : blame, threaten, coerce, beg, bribe, advise, don’t say what they mean, don’t mean what they say, don’t know what they mean, don’t take themselves seriously, don’t think other people take them seriously, take themselves too seriously, they ask for what they want, and need indirectly,  for example, thry find it difficult to get to the point, or aren’t sure what the point is. They gauge their words carefully to achieve a desired effect, they try to say what they think people want, they try to say what they think will provoke people, and try to say what they hope will make people do what they want to them to do. They talk too much, talk to little, talk about other people, avoid talking about themselves, their problems, feelings, and thoughts, say everything is their fault, or say nothing is their fault, they believe their opinions don’t matter, and wait to express their opinions until they know other peoples opinions. They protect and cover up for the people they love. They protect themselves but have a difficult time asserting their rights. They have a difficult time expressing their emotions. They think that most of what they have to say is unimportant. They become cynical, self degrading and Apologise for bothering people.

Weak boundaries: They say they won’t tolerate certain behaviours from other people. They gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate, and do things they thought they never could. They let others hurt them. They wonder why they hurt so badly. They complain, blame and try to control their lives. They finally get angry. They become totally intolerant. By Melanie Beattie, author of Codependency No More